Disappointing Alice
by DeadPoet0712
Summary: Jasper is tired of his blood lust being the worst in the family. Most of all, he's tired of disappointing Alice. Rated T for blood. Oneshot.


**Disappointing Alice**

** Red. It was everywhere. Invading every sense and being of my body. I knew it was wrong. I was a different breed of my kind. A vegetarian. Animals were my tofu, but it was never enough. There's always this burning ache inside of me. It is comparable to a dying man in the desert. No matter how much water consumed at that point in time, it would never be enough. This ache, this need, this lust. This blood lust. They all make it seem so easy. Easy as walking or talking. If only they could feel how hard it was, how it is for me. Maybe then they'd understand why I had such a hard time adjusting compared to them.**

** With time I'll be able to get past it I'm told. Yet I fear that that will never be an option for me. Once I get a whiff of the metallic sent of blood, I'm gone. It's as if I shut down completely. As if I become an animal. Then again, we aren't far from being animals. That must be why our instincts take over so quickly and we become absolutely lethal. My family unrelated, or not, is still my beloved family. At times I feel like I don't fit in, but I know they all care about me. Love me even. I still don't know how they do it. How they go about, ignoring how the venom stings the back of their throat at the scent of a human. How the urge to kill pumps through their veins. Yet they all rise above the want with flying colors. Oh, how I envy them.**

** Carlisle has the most willpower of us all. Being surrounded by humans, bleeding and near death all the time. Being a doctor and working in a hospital would be impossible for me. It would be so easy to go off the right path. To just have one taste…**

** Even more so, he changed so many of us. Edward first, then Esme, Rosalie, Emmett. It would have been as easy as flipping a switch for him to loose control, but he didn't. I can't help but be jealous of how well he does with others. With humans being so fragile, that he is seemingly graceful with how he treats them. I have great respect for my adoptive father. I hope he realizes that.**

** Then there's Esme. Dear, loving, mother Esme. She's so incredibly sweet, kind and caring that upon knowing her to be a vampire, it wouldn't seem possible. The typical vampire bias is wearing a cloak, being unmerciful and running around, telling their prey that they want to drink their blood. Esme is the complete opposite of that. Then again, our whole family is, but more so for her. She's the kindest woman I have ever met or seen and I would never want to hurt her in any way. Carlisle and Esme are perfect for each other. It is so easy to see that they are in love. **

** Edward. He tests his own self control time and time again with being in love with Bella. He is alone with her so much; it'd be the easiest kill. Yet love stands in the way of spilling such innocent blood. I could never have such power over my own cravings as he does. I remember meeting Bella for the first time at our house. The call of her blood was so strong that I nearly lost it right then and there. I would have too if it wouldn't have been for Alice. Ah, sweet and graceful Alice. The little pixie is for certain the most eccentric in our happy little family. I would know with her being the love of my life and all.**

** Without Alice, I would have for certain wandered back to my old life. My old cruel, cold and bloody life. I know that it isn't my fault I'm like this. I have been informed of this time and time again when I fail. It was how I was created; how I was raised to be. I was in an army before I was turned and continued to be in one after. I was to train and kill. Simple as that. Live for the instincts and power that came with them. When it all went wrong one night, I fled from my leader and left those ways behind. Wandering into a dingy bar, I found my future, my destiny. My beloved. She told me of the Cullens and we quickly joined their family. They were too happy to have more members make up their clan. Would they have been so inviting if they had known how much baggage I brought with me? I'd like to think so. I'm almost positive they would.**

** As the years passed, I found I was getting slightly better over my control. Yet there were always those times when I was weak. So weak that I would break and go mad, chasing after any human that was close enough. And every time, I'd go back to the animals, trying to satisfy my never ending needs. And every time, she would forgive me. I don't know how she could, seeing me act that way. Alice loved me unconditionally and I was thankful for that. If I was to ever loose her, I don't know what I'd do with myself. I'd probably make an appointment with the Volturi for a quick and clean execution. After all, she is the reason I live and live the way I do. Without her, I would be nothing. She is the one being I cannot stand to let down, which is what I'm doing right now.**

** Red. It's everywhere. Staining the new clothes Alice had bought me the day before from some famous designer I could care less about. It splattered the ground and covered my hands. This feast had been a violent one. Thoughts of my family and the life I worked so hard to keep flooded through my mind as I finished up my late dinner. I knew I could not hide this from anyone. For one, Edward would know the second I was within a good proximity to him. And two, secrets weren't easy to keep in our house. I closed my eyes, which now had a red hue to them and slowly let go of the man's chest that I had been clutching as I fed. As the burning in my throat died down, it suddenly hit me. What have I done? **

** For a few hours of relief of the ache, I had taken an innocent life. I couldn't even begin to justify this one. He had been a loving father and a community man. He wasn't a robber or murderer like Edward's had been. No, I had no right whatsoever to do this, yet I did. My eyes snapped open and I slowly stood up, staring down at the corpse of the drained man before my feet. I would have run, but I knew who was there. She always found me once I had finished my terrible deed. I wasn't sure how, but she did. No one else in the family would come near me, knowing I wouldn't want to see the looks on their faces for what I had done or their pity. Then again, I'd rather one of them find me than her. She was the one I hated most to disappoint.**

** I looked up to see Alice standing a few feet in front of me, just before the trees of the forest. I watched as she took in the scene of the man on the ground and my appearance. Feeling self conscious, I ran a hand through my hair after wiping off the blood on the back of my pants. I had to try and make myself look more presentable. Less like a monster, a murderer. A few minutes passed before she slowly made her way over to me. Without a word, she took both of my hands in hers and stared up into in my eyes. I didn't see one flicker of judgment, anger or pity in them. Yet I knew she was disappointed.**

** "I forgive you," Alice whispered.**

** "But you shouldn't," I replied, my voice breaking at the end.**

** Without another word exchanged, we began running back to the house together, hand in hand. I knew one of the family members would be out as soon as we got home, taking care of the body. They were always cleaning up after me and I hated myself for it. Why couldn't I be stronger? More like them? We entered the house just in time to see Emmett taking off with Edward, towards where we came from. They were the cleanup crew for the night. I could see the disappointment on Carlisle's face. On all of them, but one. Alice's. I know they try to hide it, but they could never conceal it all the way. I knew them all too well. After all, being able to gauge their emotions didn't let them hold anything back from me. **

** Unable to meet their gaze, Alice and I retired for the rest of the night in our room. After changing into clean clothes, I lay back on the pillows, Alice beside me; her head nestled on my shoulder. I sighed, wrapping my arms around her and holding her closer. I pressed a kiss to her forehead. Our relationship was always there, but not always seen by others. We usually kept it quiet, not wanting to draw too much attention to ourselves. Now that we were in private, we could act and be however we wanted. Even then, she never showed one ounce of disappointment on her face or body movements. I searched through her emotions, still finding nothing. She was getting better at blocking me; feeding me the emotions I wanted to find.**

** "I'm sorry," I spoke quietly.**

** Alice stayed still as she replied, "I know."**

** "Will I ever be able to get pass this?" I asked.**

** "No," she sighed. "But you will get better. Not completely, but better."**

** A slight nod was the only response she could get from me. I had already known that would be her reply, yet I had been hoping. I would ask her again later, seeing if I had changed my future somehow. Sensing my mood, Alice snuggled closer to me, tracing random shapes on my chest with her index finger. Her slight touch relaxed me and I closed my eyes, letting out a quiet sigh of content. We probably wouldn't move from this position all night.**

** For tonight, there was no judgment in our room. No detectable disappointment or pain. Alice was my anchor, my constant. She could always ground me again and keep me there. We loved each other unconditionally and would do anything for the other. Tonight was one of those nights. I needed to be comforted and she was there for me as always. How could I have been so lucky to get someone just like her? As the time slowly went by, I found that disappointing Alice tonight was something we could get past. She had already forgiven me and now, I just had to forgive myself. With her help and encouragement, I wouldn't let her go through this again. I would work harder on getting more restraint. This would be the last time Alice would have to block that emotion, whether I broke the rules or not once again.**


End file.
